Love actually: A charming movie about break ups illustrates one of the biggest coping mechanisms of trauma
The debut film by Raine Allen-Miller follows 2 twentysomethings in a charming romantic comedy starring Dom and Yas, strangers whose meet-cute takes place at an art show of a mutual friend. Yas is first introduced to Dom while catching him crying in the unisex bathroom. A man crying in the first 10 minutes of a romcom; I’m already intrigued.
Now I know what you might be thinking, she's some manic pixie dream girl uplifting some rigid straight man that can't help himself. But it’s much more than that. You quickly learn that they’ve met at a time when they’re both processing recent romantic breakups and spend a dreary afternoon painting the town with their various escapades across South London.
This is a film of immense creativity. Filled with the lush colors and personality of Caribbean cultures, Dom and Yas tell each other stories of their lost loves. Their flashbacks are dramatized somewhat like flash mobs- instant interactive theater pieces where they get to share on-the-spot commentary with each other; an invitation to their psyche and the intimate feelings that come with it.
Dom and Yas’ Breakup Stories
Dom shares his break-up story by first showing a heroic rendition of a man catching his girlfriend cheating with his best friend and busting into their apartment, attacking his now ex-friend with all the masculine rage he can muster. He then quickly recoils the story to admit to his actual remorseful, sheepish reaction of quietly leaving in shock and only hearing from the new couple after a few months. The very months he’s spent at home grieving and quietly stalking their relationship on social media.
Yas is guilty of the same pattern when she describes a toxic relationship with an entitled artist who takes her for granted. Now Yas is a woman after my own heart. She loves collecting records and spends a good chunk of the film longing for her copy of the Low-End Theory that she left at her ex’s apartment. Both Dom and Yas’s initial desire to retell their stories in an empowering light reminds me of what happens when survivors of trauma engage in a distorted thinking pattern called Hindsight Bias.
Hindsight Bias
Hindsight bias is a psychological phenomenon where you convince yourself that you should've known the outcome of a situation before it happened. This is also known as the "knew it all along" phenomenon. Not only do I discuss this with my clients who've experienced trauma, but I also recognize this frequently in clients going through breakups. It's always the "red flag" they should've picked up on. They often believe they should've known better.
We see Dom talk about this when he reflects on all the moments he should’ve seen that his girlfriend wasn’t engaging with him anymore. He calls it his "Writing on the wall moment".
What's problematic about engaging in hindsight bias?
Hindsight bias allows you to indulge in a fantasy. A version of the story you wish you had, not the one that makes you feel worse about yourself. That may look like thinking you had more control over your situation and could've prevented the incident. But with this fantasy comes blame and distorted conclusions that may not be so fair. For example, if you could've prevented your trauma from happening, then you must be responsible for letting it happen…
Engaging in hindsight bias also encourages you to zoom in on certain details of your story, while leaving out many other important ones that are critical to the context. For example, a survivor of a hostage situation may believe they could've saved more victims if they only did what they knew they needed to do. However, they're forgetting they were held at gunpoint and perhaps were behaving exactly as they needed to at the moment to survive.
So why do we engage in hindsight bias?
Hindsight bias is about having control of a narrative. We want our wishes to come true. But unfortunately, wishes about the past don't come true…
The fantasy of busting in on your girlfriend and bff while they cheat on you and giving them the read of a lifetime, is just that, a fantasy. Both Yas and Dom admit that they wished they had come out as the heroes in their stories.
The film wraps up at just under 90 minutes. Now, I love a 90-minute movie. I'm a busy and tired working parent so a 90-minute movie provides efficient entertainment that delivers with every beat! Sprinkle a few Sampha songs and I’m charmed.
Interested in Online Trauma Therapy in New York, NY?
If you're feeling overwhelmed by the aftermath of a breakup, online trauma therapy can help you navigate the emotional distress and heal from the experience. Don't suffer in silence or try to push through it alone. By seeking professional support with me at my New York practice, you can gain the tools and strategies to cope with difficult emotions, rebuild your sense of self, and move forward with your life. Take the first step towards healing by booking an online therapy session by following these three steps:
Meet with me, a skilled trauma therapist in New York, NY
Begin your journey to healing with your breakup trauma.
OTHER SERVICES OFFERED AT RESTORITY SPACE
At Restority Space, I know that you may need more support, so trauma therapy isn’t the only service I offer. I’m committed to providing the care women may need when it comes to their mental health online in both New York and New Jersey. I offer Individual Therapy to help women cope with their anxiety, depression, breakups, unhealthy relationships, and any major life transitions they may be going through. I also provide Group Therapy to help individual women find a sense of belonging and for more support. My group services include a Therapy Group For New Mothers and a Therapy Group For Black Women. To learn more check out my blog and other resources!