WTF did she marry and why?
If you haven’t heard about the saga of Reesa.Teesa and her “WTF Did I Marry” series, then let me catch you up. @reesamteesa is the tiktok account of a Millennial Black woman named Teresa from Atlanta, GA (@reesamteesa on IG). This 52 Part series is broken up into 10 minute reels (the max runtime tiktok allows) where she gives us her detailed account of how she met, married, and then divorced a man she met just weeks before the pandemic who turned out to be a pathological liar. And yes, your math is correct. That amounts to 9 ½ hours of detailed, step by step, insights into investigation of her husband’s identity. When I first heard about it, I couldn’t believe people were so glued to this story. In a world where everything is curated to fit our short attention spans; this is a huge win for classic, long form storytelling.
I mean, everywhere I looked, people had watched it. I'm talking about the moms at my kid’s dance class. It was mentioned in multiple newsletters I read, podcasts, and (most surprisingly) clients started bringing it up in sessions.
This is when I knew I had to give it a shot and within the first 30 mins, I was sitting there with my pen and paper. I couldn’t help but examine this as a therapeutic case study of a woman externally processing an experience that upended her life and the effect it’s having on my clients.
When my clients were bringing it up in therapy, they were talking about how shocked they were that a woman could find herself in this position and how it’s brought their hyper-vigilance about men and dating to a new level. I had these thoughts in my head and found some answers that can hopefully help make sense of it all…
It Starts with Love Bombing
Love Bombing is a manipulation tactic used by abusers in relationships to create a rapid attachment, and ultimately, dependency. Many of these tactics are described as extravagant or overblown displays of affection and attention.
Love Bombing is considered a form of emotional abuse and often occurs in the very beginning of relationships but can also happen in response to break ups or after moments of separation. According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, these are a few signs of love bombing that match what was happening to Reesa:
Communication Overload
Reesa noted her husband’s unusual and excessive self disclosure as one of her first red flags. On their first date, Legion (what she calls him) went into detail about the last few years of his life and clearly laid out his future plans of getting married and starting a life together. On a typical date, this would be overwhelming. The kind of information he was sharing was something that’s usually shared over the course of a number of dates and it should coincide with the level of intimacy both participants share.
Gifts
Although a love language for many, gift giving can be used as a manipulative tactic to quickly gain someone’s loyalty and trust when the gifts are over the top. Legion’s first opportunity to do this was paying for Reesa’s tire repair. They had just met and he’s overextending himself as the hero in her story. It’s one thing to help someone to safety, it’s another to excessively provide in order to create a power imbalance. Another example of this was how he quickly took over paying many of her bills. Reesa specifically used the word “intoxicated” to describe the overwhelming amount of pleasure she felt being actually cared for by someone.
Soulmate Status
Understanding someone’s significance in your life takes a lot of time and effort. Don’t get me wrong, chemistry is real and most people are looking for that “spark” on a first date. However, if someone’s calling you their “soulmate” or saying “I Love you” within a couple weeks of knowing you, that’s an unhealthy attachment and cause for concern. Legion tried to imply this to Reesa on their first date by playing her a John Legend song called “A Good Night” where Legend sings “I think I met my wife tonight”. A bit heavy handed on a first date, right?
The Marriage Industrial Complex
Love bombing is only one of the reasons why someone like Reesa, or anyone, could fall victim to a scammer like Legion. Another reason has more to do with our society and the expectations set on women of a certain age; the Marriage Industrial Complex.
The term "marriage industrial complex" refers to the societal and economic forces that contribute to the promotion and commercialization of weddings; often perpetuating traditional gender roles and reinforcing societal expectations around marriage.
Its impact on women is significant; placing undue pressure on them to conform to societal ideals of women needing to be married, reinforcing gender stereotypes, and fostering unrealistic expectations. It’s hard to escape it and I say this because I went through it myself.
I remember very clearly starting adulthood as a happy, empowered woman out in these Brooklyn streets. Then, I suddenly became anxious and driven to find “the one” when I arrived at age 25. Now closer to 40, I have moments with my girlfriends recollecting how foolish we were to think we needed to be married by then and pregnant by 27, none of which happened to any of us and probably for good reason! None of us were ready to give up the liberated lives we were living. We did whatever we wanted, when we wanted, without having any consideration for what a man wanted from us. Why were we so willing to give all that power away? The marriage industrial complex is a tool to maintain patriarchy and keep women in a place where men remain essential. Happy Women’s History Month, right?
As you start to notice all the red flags, Reesa made a point to recognize her mindset at the time. She states, “I wanted to be married.” She was looking at this relationship through the lens of this goal and actively ignored the red flags she’s acknowledging now in her story. That’s how deep this pressure is. Shouldn’t we all consider getting married because we want to commit our lives to a specific person vs just being married for the status?
The Power of Female Connection
In most popular storytelling these days (specifically movies and tv) I notice that female relationships are quite black and white. You’re either best friends who confide in each other or portrayed as competitors; uncovering the possessive, insecure nature of women in order to keep a man’s attention. But is that just the male gaze? Reesa’s story is a glowing example of how, when things get real, women support women.
When Reesa first started having suspicions about Legion, she told herself the same thing all women tell themselves when a decent man comes along: “Maybe you’re not used to a guy who’s actually doing what he’s supposed to do.” We are so used to the bar being in hell that we don’t realize we could be blocking our blessings. This is the world of dating for so many of my clients.
But things started to pop off when Reesa started talking to other women. There are certain key players in this story that helped empower Reesa to prioritize herself and start making moves to be able to leave Legion and support herself again. The neighbor with the camera footage, the realtor, the pastor’s wife, and (most importantly) the ex-wife all gave Reesa the intel she needed to ground herself back into reality and reclaim her life. That’s a beautiful thing that shouldn’t go unnoticed.
As much as women blame Reesa for what happened to her, it’s always women that help get women out of situations. What does that say about how often we like to let men off the hook for their own behavior and who ends up picking up the pieces?
“WTF Did I Marry” is a captivating and honest retelling of a woman’s ability to prevail against the manipulation of a man’s ego. Change begins when you’re honest with yourself and most people are not brave enough to do it. Reesa repeatedly said she’s trying to be really honest, “even if it makes me look bad”. To Reesa’s credit, there’s no outcome based reasoning. She’s not telling us the story as if she would’ve/could’ve/should’ve done something else because she now knows it was all a lie. She represents many women who find themselves in unhealthy relationships. Women who realize they’re so knee deep in having been manipulated that shame keeps them from speaking up. They fear the judgment of their peers and family because of the social pressures and victim blaming, as Reesa did. She refuses to blame herself for the actions of a pathological liar and that’s a testament to her healing.
Virtual Break Up Therapy in New York and New Jersey
Do some of these thoughts resonate with you? You’re not alone and speaking to a therapist about your experience can be a great first step to feeling grounded again. Approaches like group therapy can also help you figure out how to navigate the world better through the power of community and meeting with other people of color who get it. I would be honored to support you from my virtually based practice. You can start your therapy journey by following these simple steps:
Contact me to schedule a 15-minute phone call to see if we could be a good fit
Meet with me, a skilled therapist for your first session
Start making better choices!
OTHER SERVICES OFFERED AT RESTORITY SPACE
At Restority Space, I offer a variety of services in support of your mental well-being. I offer the care women may need when it comes to their mental health online in both New York and New Jersey. This is why I offer Individual Therapy to help people of color cope with their anxiety, depression, unhealthy relationships, and any major life transitions. I also provide services for those struggling with a breakup. I’m also happy to provide Group Therapy to help women find a sense of belonging and for more support. My group services include a Therapy Group For New Mothers and a Therapy Group For Black Women. To learn more check out my blog and other resources!